Monthly Archives: September 2020

Decameron 2020: Death and Mrs. Brock

Death & Mrs. Brock
by Art Cerf

Who knows what lurks just outside your door? Could be death…or just a Fowler’s toad.

Matilda Brock, all of 90, sat in her nursing home room, enjoying the sunbeam coming through the window, as winter reluctantly gave way to spring.”

Suddenly at the door, hooded death appeared.

“Where the hell have you been?” screamed Mrs B.  “I’ve waited for you the past ten years in this pit. I’ve seen two roommates die and other slip into senility, but would you come and rescue me? No!”

Death stepped back a moment. He had heard people scream at his arrival, cry or barter for more time. But no one…no one had ever dared to scream at him over the centuries.

He asked her why.

“All my life,” Matilda said, “I was taught to be silent and submissive…first by my braying jackass of a father and then by my bullying and pompous husband. When he died 30 years ago, I thought finally I’m free and threw myself into community service. But soon, I became everyone’s mule.

“The church could use more flowers. Please take care of it Mildred.”

Or “Who should organize this year’s benefit for the children. Mildred can do it since she has time on her hands.”

“By the time I was 80, my son, Otis, told me I could no longer live alone and since I had given him power of attorney, he sold my home and put me in this place with indifferent food, sloppy nurses aides and fat administrators. There’s only one TV. The women watch it all day for those stupid ladies talk shows, and the men take over at night for either sports or right-wing commentators. My favorite granddaughter, Bess, used to bring me books from the library…murder mysteries were my favorite as I’d plot how to dispose of various folks around me. But then my vision started to go and I could no longer read.”

Death looked at her and in the blink of an eye, transformed into a handsome, well-dressed young man. He took her by the arm and led her out into the hallway.

“Hey, where are you two going,” one aide shouted.

“Out to lunch with my grandson,” Matilda answered.

“So where do you want to go?” asked Death.

“Some place Mexican with some hot and spicy food.”

And so they went and had a delicious lunch.

From there, they were ushered to Bess’ home. Matilda arrived alone and asked to see her new, six-week-old great, great granddaughter.

Bess was delighted to see her, if not uncertain how she arrived.  She brought the baby to Matilda and told her, “We named her Maddy, after you.”

Matilda held the baby like she was gold and tears came to her eyes.  Moments later, she said she had to go, she had a cab waiting.

After hugs and kisses, Matilda entered a cab. As it drove away, Bess could have sworn the driver was wearing a black hood.

Matilda died that night, as did 13 other residents of the nursing home. Authorities blamed Covid but in truth, Matilda had died of happiness.

 

(Editor’s note)  Death wants it made clear that this was a one-time only exception.

Decameron 2020: The God-like Surgeon

The God-like Surgeon
By Art Cerf

Here’s a photo of a barn before a rainstorm. It has nothing to do with the story. We just like to show off some photography.

Montgomery Vandergriff knew he wasn’t God, but he felt he’d make an excellent understudy. Excuse me. That’s Dr. Montgomery Vandergriff, internationally-renowned surgeon with enough newspaper, magazine and medical journal articles about him to decimate a forest.

The doctor never considered himself superior, just that everyone else were underlings. When he’d arrive at the hospital, doctors, nurses, administrators and custodians all would step aside and say, “Good morning, Doctor.”  To a special few, he acknowledge them with a slight nod. The rest would received a “Hmmm.”

Imagine his surprise when he tested positive for the corona virus. And his shock when he was rushed to the ER when he had trouble breathing. Soon, he was in intensive care on a ventilator. The next days he was in and out of consciousness, seeing only doctors and nurses in hazmat suits.

One evening, about a week later, he woke up in the middle of the night and saw a man in the shadows, sitting beside him.

“Ah, you woke up,” the man said, and then carried on a one-way conversation about the news, the Cubs, the latest Hollywood marriage or divorce. Normally, Dr. Vandergriff had no time for such nonsense but there was something about the man…his voice. Only the doctor couldn’t place it as he drifted back to sleep.

“Pete,” the doctor thought, Pete the garage man. Then he remembered how years ago, Pete’s 6-year-old daughter was dying of congenital heart disease. The doctors said there was only a 20% chance she’d survive an operation but no chance at all without one.  That’s when Dr. Vandergriff was called in. It was a grueling surgery but when it was over, the little girl survived and later grew into adulthood.

Pete, whatever his last name was, was eternally grateful and always made sure the doctor’s car was parked near the exit of the parking garage, alway in two spaces so it would’t get dinged or scratched by other drivers. He also washed the car once a week and saw to its polishing.

But Pete had retired, what, five-six years ago? And his personal service at the garage left with him.

Yet, here he was, keeping the doc company, night after night.

Finally, doctors removed Dr. Vandergriff’s ventilator tube, and he rested a few more days before being sent home to recuperate.

It would be three months before he was able to return to the hospital to work but when he did, he went straight to the personnel office. He asked Mildred Foster the name of the garage super named Pete who used to work at the hospital. Mildred had to be 75 but she remembered almost everyone who ever worked there.

“You’re thinking of Pete Porcelli,” she said. “Let’s see,” she said, pulling up his records. “He retired from here in November of 2015.”

“Do you have a home address for him,” the doctor asked.

Mildred paused for a moment. “I’m sorry, Doctor, but Pete passed away two years ago.”

International Mail Update…Again

Our new international insured rates from FedEx are about as bad as finding a dead fish in your bed, but you’ll love having your pens arrive in about a week, once again. We think these are alewife fish or shad left behind with the tide.

Good news, bad news. Our international orders have been taking 4 to 6 months to arrive due to Covid-19 and its effect on the United States Postal Service. As nobody wants to wait that long to get an awesome new pen, we have had to switch to FedEx for international deliveries.

The good news is that FedEx will get your pen almost anywhere in the world in about a week. The bad news is that it costs three times as much money for their services. As we can no longer guarantee the timely delivery of international orders through USPS, we have switched our international shipper to FedEx. Sadly, that means a drastic spike in insured international rates. It will now cost roughly $150 to send a pen anywhere in the world. If it costs less, we’ll refund the difference after FedEx and PayPal fees have been accounted for.

The good news for American customers is that our current uninsured and insured USPS rates remain unaffected.

To our international customers, as soon as USPS resumes normal international service, we will revert back to the cheaper rates at the same speedy delivery rates you were used to before Covid-19.

Decameron 2020: Saturday Matinee II

Greetings from Gales Ferry, home of the Yale Regatta. Here’s hoping you have a funny, sunny Labor Day.

Happy Labor Day Weekend! I hope this finds you and yours doing well, staying safe and hopefully not bored out of your minds. But if you are bored and you can handle watching another movie or two, I take a look back on fun classics from yesteryear. As before, these aren’t hard-to-find movies that are only brilliant to a handful snobs sharing the same drugs that allow them to see the genius in what the rest of us would find mind-numbingly boring. These are great classic films that modern audiences might have not known about or seen when they came out but deserve a chance. There aren’t many Labor Day-themed movies out there, but I do skirt 1955’s “Picnic” because I find that classic melodrama as depressing as all hell. And the year 2020 does not need another anything depressing.

MR. HOBBS TAKES A VACATION (1962): Jimmy Stewart is a stressed-out banker in need of a quiet romantic get away with his wife (Maureen O’Hara) and ends up on a summer vacation with the whole family that is anything but quiet and relaxing. Even teen heart-throb Fabian gets in the act. When I saw it first as a kid, I thought it was kinda lame, but as an adult looking at it more from the lens of Jimmy Stewart, I laughed pretty hard and thought it was rather inspired. Ultimately, this film set the template for many family vacation movies that would follow throughout the years. But, to the best of my knowledge, this is the ur vacation classic.

SUMMER RENTAL (1985): I’d like to say this John Candy classic is too young for this list, but it is 35 years old. It always seems to me to be one of the most overlooked Candy films, but it is one of my favorites…and a total total descendent of Mr. Hobbs. Candy is a stressed-out air traffic controller forced to take a vacation with his wife and kids. Candy’s take on it is more centered around getting in touch with his self while also struggling against a pompous rich sailor who is set on ruining Candy’s vacation. Comedian Rip Torn is hilarious as a pirate-like sailing instructor who helps Candy take control of his life again. Jimmy Buffet wrote the theme song.

ON THE TOWN (1949): If you’ve only got one day to see New York City and find —ah-hem—true love, Frank Sinatra, Gene Kelly and Jules Munchin are just the sailors to show you how. This high-energy musical is loaded with hit songs and great dance numbers. The girls the boys fall for aren’t too shabby, either. Vera-Ellen, Ann Miller and Betty Garrett are easy on the eyes and pretty clever to boot. It is a great postcard of NYC during its technicolor post-war glory days. Ironically, the film is older to us now than the 1900-guide book used by Frank Sinatra to see the city in the film.

ROMAN HOLIDAY (1953): Audrey Hepburn is a bored princess who escapes her gilded cage of royalty to see Rome. The sleeping pills her family gave her kick in while she is exploring the sites at night, and ruggedly handsome Gregory Peck is the American journalist who spots her passed out like a typical drunken tourist. Not recognizing who she is but seeing she is in danger, he takes her home to let her safely sober up. Recognizing her in the morning, he plots to write up an exclusive while taking her on a tour of the city, but as they fall in love he realizes he might not be up to his more cynical task. Pure escapism doesn’t get more charming. Also of note, the film was secretly written by the black-listed Dalton Trumbo who couldn’t collect his Academy Award for best screenplay on the film until decades later.

AUNTIE MAME (1958): Rosalind Russell is the one and only Auntie Mame who will help open up worlds for you that you never dreamed existed. A madcap millionaire flapper with a genius wit and sense of adventure navigates motherhood when her brother dies and leaves her his 10-year-old son, Patrick Dennis. Her unconventional mothering on the cutting edge of style, music, philosophy, theater and literature is a riot, and I dare you not to want an aunt like that of your own. It has been one of my favorites since the day I first learned how to blow bubbles with bubble gum. The movie is based on two novels by “Patrick Dennis,” and each of the novels is an absolute laugh fest if you ever get the chance to read them.

Decameron 2020: The Undertaker

The Undertaker
By Art Cerf

Having nothing to do with this story, here’s a Revolutionary War memorial to the patriots massacred at Fort Griswold in Groton, Conn., by British soldiers under the command of the traitorous Benedict Arnold.

Businesses across America were crashing but not Buddy Seldon’s. You see, Buddy was a mortician, inheritor of a small family business. And business was soaring.

Buddy was working seven days a week, 12 to 14 hours a day, preparing up to four funerals a day, due to the Covid pandemic. By the time he would head home at night, he just had time to feed his cat, Abby, and throw a frozen dinner into the microwave. After eating, he would fall asleep from exhaustion, sometimes on the couch unable to make it to bed.

He had no personal life. What started as a promising relationship with Rachel Morrison died when he no longer had time to spend with her.

His only solace was the money was pouring in. He was clearing six figures after expenses every month. At this rate, he figured he’d be a millionaire within a few more months. Then he’d sell this profitable operation for even more money and then go live the life he wanted.

And that day finally came. He signed the sale papers, deposited the check and started making plans.

He called his travel agent and told her to book a month-long tour of Great Britain, from Scotland to Southhampton, from London to Wales.

The agent replied, “Sorry, Buddy, but you can’t travel to Britain…there’s a two week quarantine for all travelers.”

“Okay,” said Buddy, “Then make it a tour of Europe.”

“No can do,” said the agent. The EU has banned American tourists.

“How about Australia and New Zealand?”

“Same story,” said the agent. “Canada is out, too.”

She added, “I could still get you into Brazil, but I don’t think that would be very wise at this moment.”

Buddy said: “Okay…how about travel in the States. I’d love to have a spree in New York City.”

Again, the agent paused. “You live in one of the states from which New York is not accepting visitors, unless you quarantine for two weeks. And you don’t want to go to Florida or any other Southern states, Texas, Arizona or California.”

Buddy thanked her, opened a beer and had no idea what to do next.